Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette

I saw a quote recently that said ‘If you are struggling and your people are watching you struggle, then they’re not your people.’ I save quotes that are meaningful to me, and I saved that quote thinking it would probably prove useful one day. Today I came across it again, and sadly, it fit the way I’m currently feeling.
A week ago today I lost a very dear friend of mine who had been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She was brave and beautiful and funny and I loved her like a sister. I’ve sadly known it was coming as she was put on hospice care last month, but somehow I prayed for a miracle to save her. It was not to be. So though I knew it was coming, I was not at all prepared for the flood of emotions that would follow. It’s been a few years since I’ve lost someone close to me and I think I’d forgotten what goes along with those final goodbyes. I spent the first few days in tears of course, thinking if I could just fall asleep, I might awake to different news or to the fact that it had all been a bad nightmare. It was not. This is where the quote comes in. You spend your life nurturing relationships with that handful of people you think are your best and closest friends. You imagine them running to rescue you, to make you feel better, to hold you up on your worst days because that’s what you do for them. Right? Wrong. Where were my closest friends? I don’t know, but they weren’t reaching out to me. I never heard from any of them. Still haven’t. It makes you question every single second you’ve ever spent on these people. We don’t like to think we waste too much of our life on people that aren’t who we thought they were, but then that inevitable slap in the face of reality hits. I guess I expect more from others because it’s what I’d do for them. I’m always the first one everyone calls…..middle of the night, I answer…..same rant I’ve heard a million times, I still listen. Tears, I’m there, anger, I’m still there. Where the hell are my people? Not here with me. So I’m taking some time to re-evaluate some of these friendships I thought I had. All these people I always put my heart into, and yet where are they when it’s my turn? Vanished. Disappeared. You know who I’ve had to depend on? Someone I met in October….that’s right, less than a year ago. I knew that day that this person was going to have a profound place in my life……I can’t explain how I knew, but she has proved me right. Lesson learned. It’s not about the amount of time you’ve known someone…it’s about who showed up and proved they were there when you needed them. I don’t know who was responsible for this new friendship, but I am truly grateful that I was blessed with this person. She has shown me in a matter of months what I’ve been missing out on for years. The absolute definition of friendship.  I’m thinking there needs to be a change in my life and it needs to start within my circle. Thank you reality for that slap.