I actually sat down tonight with my laptop because I have so many things running through my head that I thought it might make me feel better to get it out but as I sit here staring at this blank screen, the only thing I can think about is Sydney and her family. I don’t have pleasant thoughts either….it’s fear, it’s absolute horror at the discovery of her body and the way this ended, even though I felt this weeks ago. I knew. I just knew. I don’t know if mom radar is a real thing but if it is, I have it, because I knew from day one this story was not going to be one with a happy ending. I don’t know what has happened to this world, to our people, to the love we should have for one another. When did lives become so disposable? Or feelings for that matter? Why do we have to live our lives filled with fear of six million different things that we never had to think of before? Is there anyone you can even trust?
This year, prior to when I lost my friend Stefanie, I made a series of promises to her. I knew I’d keep them of course, but I wasn’t sure in what way I planned to follow through. I have always loved to write and have learned that because I have a terrible habit of holding things in and letting them eat me alive, that as an alternative to continuing to do that, I would just write instead. It doesn’t have to be anything I share with anyone, but I somehow feel that defeats the purpose of what she made me promise. I rarely let anyone in….not this far, because sometimes my writing is a deep and dark place that no one wants to visit. It isn’t always pretty but it IS always real, and inevitably, it’s going to piss people off or hurt their feelings, or cause the drama I try to so hard to avoid, but it’s my thoughts so I’m not going to censor them. Just don’t read it if it pisses you off. I can assure you when I write, the very last thing I’m concerned about it is who it upsets.
So…. last year I started this blog when my middle son left for the Marines, thinking it would be a safe place for my eyes only where I could just write, and this was before Stefanie died, so I feel sort of like fate stepped in and forced me to use this. I’ve hardly written here and I have allowed TWO people access to this blog. One person I’ve already removed, and I’m sure I’ll address that issue eventually, and the other would understand and not judge so I trust her to stay. I haven’t written on here much because I write in a journal or on my phone if I am away from home or in a place where I don’t have access to my site, but I feel like I need to change that. I can always change my mind and lock this up once again. I write some things on my Fitness page because I like to address issues on there that I struggle with and assume others do as well. Outside of that, no one sees or knows what I think, feel, love or hate. However, if I can help someone, that’s what matters. So, Stefanie…..I promised. I know your reasons for asking me to continue to do this and though I didn’t always agree with sticking this out there, you’re right, it may help just one person, and that’s what we were always about. You help. No matter what. If it helps one, I’ve done my job. So if you choose to stick around, buckle up. You’ll see a little of everything here. 2018 will be my year to write.
Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette 