Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette

If you know me very well, you’ll hear about this eventually & make the connection so I want to share a few words of wisdom that I have learned the hard way about being the daughter of someone who can’t commit.
This morning I found out some news that literally took my breath away. A death in my other ‘biological family’. My first ‘blood related’ grandpa died. I’m without words to truly explain the situation & how I feel, and frankly just can’t make myself do it at this point but I do have words of advice for those of you with broken or dysfunctional families. If you have a child you cannot fully give yourself to and they spent a good chunk of their pre-teen years not even knowing you existed, do them a favor and leave them alone. Let them live their life without you and if they choose to look for you one day, then that’s their choice to make. I’d have been much better off not knowing I had a different “sperm donor” and other “family” because they’ve caused me so much pain since he tracked me down at 13. My aunt and uncle and grandpa and grandma are the only ones on that side (besides his now ex-wife Marlene who is still in my life) who ever made me feel like I belonged in that family. Unfortunately that uncle passed away over the summer so all these demons I tried to deeply bury were once again thrown in my face by attending that funeral. The only positive to my uncle’s funeral was that I got to hug my grandpa one last time. That will be the only goodbye I’ll get as I’m not going to attend his funeral. I won’t be welcome there and the risk to my health is not worth it to me. Please think of your ‘child’ and not your selfishness to claim ownership. Dan is my DAD….the only one I’ll ever claim and he’s never once treated me like anything less than his own. That man is my rock and I am who I am because he stepped up to do another man’s job. I love him with everything that I have. There could never have been a better Dad for me than him. He earned that title and then some.
I will be taking today and at least tomorrow away but wanted to leave you with this. You don’t need anyone in your life who is toxic….friend OR family. Cut those ties and save yourself the unnecessary pain. I finally did that 3 years ago and if given the chance to rethink that, I’d still do it again. If they left you once, they’ll continue to do it, and he did, over and over and over. He never acknowledged that my kids even existed and my biggest regret is that those boys now have to see me cry over a grandpa they never even knew and there’s nothing they can do to help. It’s a shitty feeling for them and for me as their mother. They deserved better than the way they’ve been treated. Thank you God for my very immediate family and close friends because feeling like you don’t really fully belong ANYwhere is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. My boys will NEVER question who truly loves & cares for them. No child should ever have to.