Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette

I like to sit down on the last day of the year, not necessarily to make any goofy resolutions, but to remind myself of things……what I have to be grateful for, what I’ve learned so I don’t repeat mistakes, and what I want to accomplish in the new year to make the next one even better. Every year seems like it hands me a little more than the year before but the bad things tend to teach you more about yourself and allow you to make necessary changes, so I’ve learned  to welcome those challenges more than I used to. I’ve found my ‘bring it on’ mentality and it’s done more for me than whatever it was I used to possess.  I have realized that life isn’t going to just hand you something. If you truly want something, you have to get it for yourself. I had to realize that whatever dreams I had for myself were still out there waiting for me but I had to make them happen. There’s no magic involved. Just hard work and maybe a little luck. I spent years being a stay at home mom, and though I don’t ever regret the years I stayed home with my kids and I’d do it again in a heartbeat, I felt a little sad sometimes that I had missed out on doing things I’d always had planned for myself. Now that my kids are almost completely grown and doing their own things, I felt it was time for me to finally go chase those dreams and make them happen. I’ve spent the past few years doing just that! I’m proud to say I’ve accomplished every single thing I had on that list….and in doing so, I’ve also discovered that maybe the happiness didn’t lie in the ‘things’ I’d put on that list but instead in the feeling I got for actually doing them, and doing them successfully. It was a validation for me that I could absolutely complete those goals because I’d struggled so long with not feeling good enough. I lost so much of myself over the years and all I needed was that little boost of confidence that comes with success. Now I’ve learned that it’s not so much about the title or the prestige, and more about becoming something you weren’t sure you could. I did all of the things in a short amount of time and I’ve been able to pick and choose what’s really important to me and what I do and don’t want to continue doing.
I’ve titled 2017 the year of Hello, Goodbye.  It’s been full of hellos to wonderful new people and amazing places and experiences and goodbyes to people that didn’t have my best interest at heart and to friends and family I loved dearly who are unfortunately no longer here. It’s been a goodbye in a sense to my kids as I allow them to spread their wings and fly a bit….trusting in myself that I’ve given them everything they’ve needed to navigate their way and yet always knowing mom is not too far away if they need a little extra love. Hello to their new adventures and new accomplishments, and goodbye to the last bits of childhood they (and I) still cling to. It’s been a challenge to find the fine line but we are establishing brand new adult relationships and insuring when they make bad decisions, that they learn from them rather than being bailed out. Logan is turning 21 in ten days and graduating college in May. Hayden spent a year away for the Marine Corp and is now a college student as well while continuing to serve his country. Noah will turn 16 at the end of January and is beginning to find his place in the world and plan his future. There’s been lots of big changes in this household in the past few years…..some uncomfortable adjustments, a lot of tears, an equal amount of laughter, and an even closer bond with my boys than we’ve ever had before because of all the life changes. I’ve had to spread myself rather thin this year to be in all the places I’ve needed to be, but it has given me a little time to do my own thing and learn that I can in fact do more than one thing at a time if I learn how to prioritize. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. I’ve found myself again and that’s something I didn’t maybe even realize I’d lost….or to what extent I had lost it. Sometimes you need to venture out, step away from what you’ve known, and relearn who you are and what you love…what’s important and what isn’t. That has indeed been a learning experience for me. In learning who I am, I also learned what I was and wasn’t willing to accept in my life. The old me was much more accepting than the new me. I think it had become a habit to just let things be instead of doing something about them and risking confrontations. I figured out it was either my happiness or everyone else’s and I’d done that for far too long. It was my turn. I found some courage and took off to do what I wanted to do. I spent a lot of time alone and that was the best medicine for me. I had to rely only on myself. There was no one to help if I got in a bad position, so I learned to trust myself and find that independence once again. You learn quickly that the only person you can ever really depend on and trust in life is yourself.  I realized I’d been letting people treat me horribly because I didn’t have a sense of worth anymore. I said goodbye to one of my very best friends in June because it finally clicked with me that I’d been allowing one of the people who should’ve been treating me the best to in fact treat me the worst. I accepted things from her that she’d have never accepted from me and I’d never accept from anyone else. It was time. Sometimes the people who are placed in your life or on your path aren’t meant to travel beside you forever….maybe they’re there just to teach you something or maybe for you to teach them something. People don’t always understand you and your feelings until they have to go through what you have.  Say goodbye, go out on your own, but wish them well. Thank them for their part in your life and walk away courageously with an open heart and mind into whatever awaits you in their place. Clearly all that traveling and thinking time did some good. I made some big decisions that didn’t always make other people happy, but that’s ok. You have to take care of yourself first or you’re of no help to anyone else. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes. You live and you learn along the way. That’s been the best part of this entire year. Learning so many of life’s lessons and doing so by truly living them. I couldn’t begin to write all of the things I’ve learned this year, either about myself or about others. Instead, I’ll just sum up a few of the biggest things. First and foremost, the people that you’ve placed in your past, friends or family, are in your past for a reason. Toxic is toxic, no matter what source it comes from. Remind yourself of this when they crawl back into your life expecting their place back. If they were a snake then, they’ll still be a snake now. People like that don’t change. Trust that you made the right decision and stick with it. The only direction you should ever want to go is forward. Going backward will never take you where you want to be. You’ll only repeat the same mistakes that life was throwing at you constantly because you weren’t learning from them. Your life should be going in one direction only….forward. If anything or anyone behind you belongs where you are, they’ll find their way back to you in time. Give second chances when they’re warranted but know when to move on. If someone genuinely wants to be in your life and you believe they belong there, you won’t have to struggle to make it work. They’ll love and accept you for who you are. The truth is, people change, they travel different paths…sometimes with you, sometimes without you. Allow those who continuously stick by you the gift of knowing the real you…they have earned that. Say goodbye to those who don’t and know that you are right where you are supposed to be. God doesn’t make stupid mistakes and everything he does is done for a reason. We may not always see or understand that reason, but need to trust that there’s always a bigger plan in place. I’ve been in many places this year where I just missed a disaster……shootings, fires, airport incidents, etc….yet I always managed to escape by a day or two or a last minute decision that changed my plans. This was a hard thing for me to figure out. The reality is, it’s not for me to figure out. I’ve started just living day to day….not looking too far ahead because I don’t know that it’ll be there. In fact, it probably won’t be, but that’s a whole different life lesson for another day. I’ll end this with something I read from Sydney Loofe’s family last night because it sort of sums up how I feel about this year and how I plan to spend the majority of 2018. It’s all about kindness, something this world is greatly lacking. Do what you can in your own corner of the world. We may not be able to help everyone, but we can always help SOMEONE. Make it a goal to improve the life of one person a day. That’s at the top of my list. That’s how I ended this year and how I plan to begin the next.
“This year, end a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Keep a promise. Find the time. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind; be gentle. Appreciate. Laugh a little. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Gladden the heart of a child. Welcome a stranger. Take pleasure in the beauty and the wonder of the Earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it yet once again.”
To all of you who continue to be in my life, I thank you for your part. To those of you who are no longer here, thank you for whatever lesson you taught me that I can use in the future. In any case, you were all important to me and exactly what I needed at one time and I’ll never forget whatever place you held in my heart. Have a blessed and happy new year. Make it count!