Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette

“Sometimes people won’t understand how you feel until it happens to them, until they experience the pain.”

I knew this quote was going to be useful one day……and that day has arrived. I’m feeling the use of it in a little more kind hearted way than I’d originally felt when I came across it however. The past few years have softened me to some things and completely hardened and walled me off in others.
Honestly, I don’t even know how to write how I’m feeling in this moment. A few years ago if you’d have asked me about this, I’d have responded with absolute hurt, hatred, and anger because of my own situation. Time has changed that a bit. I still feel a little bitter but the truth is, when things are meant to be, they’ll be. And they aren’t, so I guess I’ve learned to move on, knowing in my heart this was not something permanent.

When you experience watching someone you love die….after trying so hard to chase down every possible miracle for them, you feel like a failure. You failed someone you loved….even knowing you did everything you could, you still feel like you didn’t do enough. You struggle with helplessness, you struggle with the hurt in your heart, you struggle at saying a goodbye that won’t be a short one. So much emotion all wrapped up and thrown at you at once. You can’t dodge that ball. It’s in your face and it hurts. All you want is for someone to understand what you’re feeling and to just be there for you. There aren’t right words, so you don’t expect those, but you do want some validation of your hurt. The people you want to understand don’t understand because they’re not you. Obviously that makes sense. Everyone experiences things differently. But that’s not your thinking in that moment. I was angry….I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling, and when they didn’t, I just hid myself away to deal with things on my own. In anger, I hoped one day they’d have to feel this…..know what this hurt truly felt like. In all honesty now, after feeling that, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it’s inevitable. Everyone will deal with the death of someone they love. That’s our end point after all…..birth, life, and death. It’s the natural order of things, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Now the day has arrived when I know some of those I wish would’ve understood how I was feeling then are indeed feeling it now. Part of me wants to reach out because, unlike my experience, I DO KNOW how they are feeling, but another part of me feels like it’s no longer my place to do so and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I too know there’s nothing I could say that’s going to help them anyway. It’s a process….a long one, and everyone deals with it at their own pace and in their own way. I’m glad it’s not me setting out on that journey again. I’ve had my share in the past year for sure and I’m at different phases in all of those grief processes. Some just began, others I’m further along in. Some I’ll never fully heal from. You can’t fix someone’s pain….all you can do is be there for them when they need someone to lean on, someone to listen, someone to just give them a hug. The rest of it they have to work through on their own. My heart is hurting of course….but I’m a bit outside of this situation so my feelings are trivial compared to the ones on the inside….they are the ones my heart is hurting for. I pray that the ones setting out on this journey will gain a little insight into what grieving truly feels like so they won’t be so harsh on others down the road. You truly don’t know until you go through it. Grow through what you go through….it’s the only way to make a positive out of something so negative.