It’s been so long since I’ve taken the time to sit and write. I process in my head all the time but it seems like I never make a point of getting it out of my head and onto ‘paper.’ Sort of defeating the purpose of the reason I promised to start this damn thing in the first place. I keep telling myself I’ll try to do better but so far I haven’t held up to my end of the agreement. I’m sure I’m being cursed “up there.” I’m sorry SL, I’ll try harder to commit to writing. It IS therapeutic, you were right. Sometimes I just don’t want to address the things I’m struggling with. And sometimes I just don’t have the right words.
A lyric from a song I love has been stuck in my head a lot lately……and I’m well aware of why but currently just unable to confront it. I don’t have a valid reason why I can’t or won’t confront it, other than fear. Yes, fear…..the one thing I swore was no longer going to be in charge of my life. The lyric is “Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.” That seems to fit my life more and more these days. Good changes…..just really big changes, and not just for me. If you’d have told me 3 years ago where I’d be in life right now, I’d have never believed you…..not for a trillion dollars. Mostly because I didn’t believe in myself enough to see this type of future, but also because I was so oblivious to how much change is possible in that amount of time. Sometimes 3 years seems like yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. I’ve been home taking some time to regroup before heading out again and the downtime has been good for me. It’s not easy to live out of a suitcase or on a plane…..in order for me to be available to my son, I have to sometimes do things that most people wouldn’t to get to where I need to be and back, and I tend to get extremely run down. Is it worth it? Yes of course, for him, but my health often suffers for it so I’ve had to really think about priorities. Being at home has forced me to do that and to make some decisions that I’d have never made had I still been traveling nonstop. I didn’t have any time to think before now. As you know if you’ve read any of my previous posts here, I have learned a lot about myself (and others) in the past few years. Most importantly, to not sweat the small stuff or the things that are out of my control. If I can’t do anything about it, it does me no good to worry about it….and if I died tomorrow, would it even matter? That’s the question I’ve learned to base my worry on. That has made things so much easier for me and I wish I’d realized that years ago as it would’ve saved me a lot of unnecessary heartache. The truth is, you can’t stop something from happening if it’s supposed to happen and you can’t force something to happen that isn’t meant to happen. In all aspects of life. It just is what it is. No more, no less.
Even so, there are things that I struggle with, as everyone does…..things that matter the most to you will always weigh heavy if you allow them to. I’m currently trying to decide when to say when. Not the first time I’ve battled this in life and surely not the last but nonetheless, not easy. My grandma used to always tell me if something is constantly on your mind, then maybe it’s supposed to be there. So many things she used to say to me have suddenly made their way into my daily thoughts because they fit my situation. I’m a very “look for the signs” person. (She taught me that too.) I ask the universe to send me signs and then I question the signs and what they do or don’t mean. People can be so confusing. Recently for example, I asked…..ok begged for a sign…..got one….then spent weeks questioning what the hell it meant…..even after my faithful “sprinkle of jesus” app sent me the two following messages at the PERFECT time…..one said Stop praying for a sign. Their actions gave you your answer. The second one said Pay attention to the signs. It’s exactly what it looks like. Clearly either I’m dumb, or those signs definitely weren’t specific enough for me to figure out. Can it just be that the answer falls from the sky and right into my lap? Or can people just say what they feel….good or bad, so I don’t have to wonder. Things are never simple, especially when it includes feelings.
Closure is my issue and closure is a tricky word. Do you want it, do you not want it? You definitely need it to move on to insure you don’t look back. When has there been adequate time to make a fair call and say it’s safe to assume the choice has been made??? I have gotten closure in so many relationships over the course of a few years and can honestly say it was a relief to just put a period there and move the hell on, but with this, I can’t. It hurts so much. I know I can’t rely on another person to give me closure and I shouldn’t. If grandma was still here, she’d probably tell me that too. Where do I go from here? I’ve asked for the signs, I’ve had them dropped on me, but they confuse me. They could be taken a number of ways. Am I seeing them the way they ARE, or simply the way I want them to be??? I’ve always been the one to say if something is meant to be, it’ll be. If someone is meant to be in your life, they’ll be there…..yet here I still sit wondering what to do. If any of you have some brilliant suggestions, feel free to ship them my direction. In the meantime, all this time keeps passing by and life continues to speed forward….time that can’t be relived or reclaimed. So much has already been wasted. Is it time to close the door and is it up to me to do so, because I’m not sure I can or even want to. If it hasn’t gone away in this long, will it ever?
Ramblings of a Blonde Brunette 